"That relationship blind sided me - at 18 years old, in my frosh year of university, I was not prepared to meet someone that could change me that much."

Ok, so...

You know that whole idea around the "one who got away?" That one guy or girl, where if things had played out differently, everything may have culminated together into the perfect love story? I can think of countless TV shows, movies, and even conversations with friends that have circulated around the topic of the one guy (or girl) that they completely missed out on. There are various takes on how this happens - maybe it was a good friend and you never got up the courage to try and take it to the next level, or maybe you made a stupid decision while in a relationship, the whole thing blew up your face, and then you wished you could take it back...but you couldn't. Obviously, there are multitudinous scenarios that I could suggest, because there is no mold for how this occurs. It just does. And once it does, there is no going back.

I used to think that this one friend of mine was the "one that got away." I had dated a friend of his - let's call him Fred - for a little while (actually through Fred was how we met) and I mentioned to this friend - let's call him Bill -  that I thought everything with Fred had really come to a standstill and I was going to end it with him before it got messy. Well, in this moment Bill suggested that maybe he and I try things out once I had sorted everything out with Fred. I shut him down, even though I really did like him quite a bit, in order to protect both of our friendship with Fred. In the end that didn't even really pay off, and I always regretted not taking that chance with Bill. He moved away a little while later, and when he finally came back, he met a girl...they've been together quite a while now. They make a lovely couple. I always though to myself, what if...what if I had taken the chance on him? Was he my "one that got away?" I always thought so...but I was wrong.

Lately, for some reason or another, I've been thinking about a particular ex-boyfriend quite a lot. Anyone who knows me, even a little bit, would have come to know something about him. He was my first love -  a very powerful, and intense experience for me resulting in a breakup where I was completely inconsolable. It's been almost 4 and a half years since we broke up, and maybe 2 or more since I've seen him, but somehow he's crept back up into my mind. That relationship blind sided me - at 18 years old, in my frosh year of university, I was not prepared to meet someone that could change me that much. I wasn't ready for it - I didn't know how to handle feelings like that, and I wasn't good with them...something that must have made me very difficult for him to deal with at points. Since then, I've changed dramatically...for the better I think...and while some would say that he was a big part of why I have and that's why it happened then, I'd disagree. I think that getting older, finding out more about myself, coming to terms with a lot of earlier events in my life,  and having made some pretty hefty mistakes along the way have shaped me into who I am now...and that's a really different person. Therefore, I've come to wonder if things would have played out differently if I had met him now, instead of then. Ironically, I think he has become my "one that got away," though I never would have anticipated that being the case. I loved him very much, and I'm sure that if I'd met him now instead of then, the result would be the exact same. I would still have come to love him very much - just in a better, more constructive way.

From what I can tell, he is doing quite well (haha, rhyme much?). He's off doing things that I can only dream I may get to do some day, and I wish him very well...something I wasn't always able to do.

This entry is incredibly ironic for me, but at the same time, soothing. It's hard to believe, that after all this time, he may just be the "one that got away."

Calming the soul,

 - Jenn

"But these same men...as truly interesting as they are...do not make good candidates for the boyfriend label."

Ok, so...

I'm about to step out on what is pretty much (at least I think?) the next big chapter of my life. Practicum. Student teaching. Something that I hope is going to essentially tell me whether or not I'm going down the right path in life. Funny thing about this? I'm probably not. It's strange, but I think I thought I'd know more about what I wanted in life by the time I was 23 years old. When I was 19, (which feels like eons ago...especially when SOME people feel the need to draw attention to your age at every opportunity possible) I think I thought I'd know exactly what I wanted to do, and I think I also thought I would be wanting to get married by this age. I don't. At all. But my best friend from home does...and in a year she will be, because she just got engaged. I'm her Maid of Honour, and frankly the whole things freaks me out a bit. I tell myself  that I have no desire to be married at this age, and I know it's true -  I really don't. But the fact that she is getting married, while I'm not even in a relationship does reveal the VERY different paths we are on at this point in our lives. Am I supposed to be worried about the fact that I'm not in a relationship, or on the path to finding someone to spend the rest of my life with? I'm starting to wonder...?

Especially because I always seem to pick the worst candidates. Oh, and it's not like every time I get involved with a guy, I think he is going to be my "soulmate" by the way (and I say "soulmate" like that because I'm not sure if they exist). I don't. But I can sure as hell tell you that I frequently pick people who are so far away from ever being that person that it's hilarious. There is a whole lot of truth to that I attract "people in problem relationships" and "spontaneous men" thing - let me tell you - but these same men...as truly interesting as they are...do not make good candidates for the boyfriend label. And honestly? I think I'm better in a relationship...mostly because I just do stupid things when I'm not. And while we're at it, I rarely come out feeling better on the other end of these stupid things I do. They never amount to anything good for either party involved, and while I live with no regrets, I'm not sure that there was anything beneficial about any of these situations...especially the ones of late...occurring at all. So, here comes the next salient piece of advice...what is this? Number 7?


If something seems too complicated to have the ending result that you want it too, it probably is. Drop it. Now. It isn't going to mean good things for anyone involved. Especially the ones who don't yet know they're involved. 


Hiding behind my writing,

 - Jenn

"Feelings are funny that way. They seriously #%€£ your shit up."

Ok, so...

You know what is amazing? When you figure out how much feelings you think have changed really  haven't. Lately, I've been spending time around a few people that I haven't seen in awhile. Some are those that I just completely miss having in my life, and some (or one in particular) are the kind where the attraction that I thought had gone away really hasn't...at all. Those big blue eyes, and those smile lines that creep up around them? They literally make my heart skip a beat. If I wrote with people's names included, which I don't, and you could facebook him...I'm sure you would agree..at least the ladies would? But I digress, yet again. I get off topic easily. Point is, you don't forget them, and you don't forget what they did...or still do to you.

But that's the problem isn't it? Feelings are funny that way. They seriously #%€£ your shit up. Seriously. Like, I don't have time for this. No one does. I don't have time to want "blue eyes" (and p.s. - I feel the need to mention that "blue eyes" is also "bucket list," the one and the same...do not judge), but he did something to me from them moment I met him...and I can't change that. However, that also doesn't change the fact that it pisses me off that I should want someone so much that I can't have. Or maybe I could have him? Maybe I'm just so unwilling to really compete...and that is what it would take. Direct competition. Remember my entry about "bucket list"..? I was annoyed when wrote that, and frankly, the idea of it still really annoys me...but he's something different, and despite his absolute blunt stupidity in telling me about his desire to cheat...I can't ignore the pull I feel towards him.

Which really only leaves one question. What now? What next? Anyone out there have the answer? 

I always have answers for everyone else. I think I'm known for that. But answers for me? Never. 

Speaking from the heart,

- Jenn

"Excuse me? What? Did you just say that you &%$#$% someone else?"

Ok, so...

My apologies for the time it has taken me to write this...however, I think that once you read this entry, you will all agree that the wait was more than worth it. This past weekend proved to be a challenge for me in more ways than one...the greatest of these? You are about to find out about. Seriously. You won't believe it.

Remember my salient pieces of advice? Those ones that I have been occasionally recording in the side bar? Well, let me tell you...you are about the get a few. Allow me introduce you to salient piece of advice #4. Stay the @#$% away from your co-workers. It never, EVER, pans out the way you hope that it will!  And it usually ends even worse than the situations with the people you just randomly happen to meet...because wait! OH YEAH! YOU HAVE TO SEE THEM AGAIN! At work! In meetings! In training! Walking down the street...and oh yes, you have to say hi...because if you don't, someone else will ask you why you didn't.

Salient piece of advice #5? IF you decide to hook up with someone you work with (and what did I say folks? That's right. DON'T), don't tell ANYONE you work with! NO ONE! Because someone always has a big ass mouth! Why is it that people feel the need to dig in your business! And you know what my favourite part is? It's always someone who "knows" you....but they don't really know you? You know what I mean? So they ask someone who does really know you what's going on so they can get the dirt because they know they can't ask you. Excuse me? Wait a second...if you don't know me well enough to ask yourself, why the hell are you asking at all? It isn't your business! It doesn't affect you! Piss off! If I wanted you to know, I would tell you!

Oh, but wait...I saved the best for last...Men, I direct this one at you. And I do this because a male said this to me, and perhaps I have better faith in the female half of the species (and truly, maybe I shouldn't?) but I like to think we would never say this to someone:

"I really like you! You're so different then a lot of girl that I have met, and that makes me think that I could really end up liking you? You know? But I just don't want a relationship right now. I don't have time. And yeah, we could be #&*% buddies, and that would be fun...but where you live? It's just so far away....and when you can get it right down the hall...well..."

"Excuse me? What? Did you just say that you &%$#$% someone else?"

Yes, yes he did. He $%^*%$ someone else...and then waited 4 days to tell me. 4 DAYS. And yeah, guess what I was doing those whole 4 days? Oh. You guessed it. Trying, like an idiot, to be attentive and sweet and do things like girls who are interested in you do for the guys they like. So gentleman...and really? Ladies too. Salient piece of advice #6? If you %&$# someone else, have the decency to tell the person you were &^%$#$& so they can stop treating you well, and instead, treat you like the asswipe you are.


Am I jaded by this? Meh. This is not the worst thing that has ever happened to me, and in reality? I'm expecting a lot of worse things to come my way...but this story? It really was too funny not to share. I take it with a grain of salt, and I think it was a learning experience - perhaps this is my way of saying that I hope some will cut me slack for being so candid about this. It's sort of healing...for me anyway. Ha.

My apologies for using caps,

 - Jenn

"My money is on that you can't, so please don't be insulted."

Ok, so...

I'm very happy to say that after a few days of feeling like I had nothing to write about...actually, let me rephrase that...nothing I COULD write about (because everything seemed to give away too much of someone's personal life), a friend said something to me today that immediately screamed blog entry. She said "what is up with boys wanting to be single these days?" And seriously? What the $&#% is up with that? I have numerous friends going through similar situations...well, not similar...but the type of thing where it all boils down to someone wanting to keep their options opened? I even feel like I'm going through that in my own life as I blithely try to maneuver my way through someone else's obstacle course - this person is trying to give me a run for my money, and he is succeeding...but anyway, I digress. That isn't the point I'm really trying to get at.

It seems like every guy out there right now thinks that there is something better then what is standing right in front of him. You know,  that whole "there's lots of fish in the sea" thing? And gentleman, if you can truly, honestly tell me that this all comes down to something else entirely, I'll be the first one waiting to hear your explanation...but my money is on that you can't, so please don't be insulted. A friend of mine once had that happen to her. She had been with her boyfriend since high school, and when they got to university he wanted to see what else was out there. Well, he did his thing...and you know what? There wasn't anything better. He begged for her back, and eventually (after she made him work...HARD) he got her. They are still together today.

Now, I'm definitely not saying that this is how things always work...and fellas? I don't blame you for wanting to be sure or not wanting to settle down just yet. I really don't. I just don't get why there is such a blooming trend this area all of a sudden. There are always going to be guys (and girls) going through this phase...but ALL of you? At the same time? It seems a little extreme doesn't it?

Maybe this is why I don't really believe that human beings are meant to be a monogamous race? And no. That is not me justifying cheating. I just think that is why it takes so much work for so many couples to stay married...but this in itself is whole other topic. I'll save that for another day!

Sharing the sugar,

- Jenn

"My apologies."

My apologies for going so long without writing.
It's been a very busy, stressful week on many fronts.
I promise a legitimate update soon

 - Jenn