It's much easier to be strong when it's someone else's feelings...but when it's your own? Not so much."

Ok, so...

How does the importance of someone telling you how they feel stack up against someone showing you how they feel? And well, you may be thinking to yourself, what exactly is the difference? A couple of entries back, I wrote about the 5 love languages, and the one (or so I thought) that was most important to me was physical touch, but then I found out that quality time also mattered a great deal to me. I value someone, especially the person I'm dating, being affectionate with me through hugging, kissing, sex etc., but also spending one on one time with me. These two areas, quality time and physical touch, would most definitely constitute as two things in the "showing" category. This isn't to disregard the importance of being told - that tends to substitute well for me in a situation where I can't be shown (like long distance) because I'm still being reassured...but when I'm in the presence of someone, showing is where it's at.

I realize that there may not be many people like me. Maybe there are, but I don't think they're admitting it because deep down, where no one really sees, I'm a real softy and it comes out full force when my feelings get involved. It's much easier to be strong when it's someone else's feelings...but when it's your own? Not so much.

Show someone you love them today. You'll be surprised what as to what a difference it makes.

 For the sake of the ramble,

 - Jenn

"Great compatibility makes a relationship worth all of the work that is required to keep it going, so it's importance to know if that's what you have and if it's really worth all that work."

Ok, so...


When my personal life is in good shape, and for a change it actually is, it can sometimes be a challenge for me to come up with anything good to write about...mostly because I usually spend my entries bitching about something...But finally, something came to me:


What is the difference between love and lust and how do you know which one you are feeling?


The definition of "lust" (according to dictionary.com):

Lust - Intense sexual desire or appetite; Uncontrolled of illicit sexual desire or appetite; A passionate or overmastering desire or craving. 


The definition of love (from the one and the same source):

Love - A profoundly tender, passionate affection for each other; A feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection; Sexual passion or desire. 


Based on just these definitions alone, what I can sum up from them is this: Lust is when you want to jump their bones 24/7, and love is when you want to jump their bones but cuddle before and after. Ok, no. Obviously I think there is more to it then that. It's differentiating between high sexual attraction existing alone or as the sole priority, and a relationship where high sexual attraction is coupled with a "deep sense of compatibility" (eHarmony commercials anyone?). To really be in love with someone, it has to be about more than just what happens between the sheets. This is not me discounting the importance of sex, and you know this, but love encompasses a whole lot more than just that! Great compatibility makes a relationship worth all of the work that is required to keep it going, so it's importance to know if that's what you have and if it's really worth all that work.

So, if sexual chemistry is the first component of deep compatibility, what is the second? It's finding a "best friend". Someone who wants the same things that you do. Maybe you both want to travel, or live in a particular place, or get married...or whatever? But, you both want the same things. That's so important, because when the lusty "in your pants, constantly" feeling wears off, there needs to be something deeper holding you together.

Therefore, I'm coming at you with another quiz. This compatibilty quiz does not give a definitive answer as to whether or not you and your partner are going to make it in the long term, but it does ask some pretty essential questions if you ask me. I wouldn't call it entirely scientific or anything, but it definitely gets you thinking about some of the components of your relationship. I scored a 94% and I'm really happy about that! I try to learn as much as possible about the other person in my relationship, so I'm glad to see that I felt so positively about so many of the categories.

Post a comment with your average, and maybe how you feel about it if you feel so inclined - anonymous is more than fine :)!

Inquisitively quizzing you all,

 - Jenn

"If you've been together for 1 1/2 years, then they have probably been thinking about breaking up with you for about 6 months or so before that."

Ok, so...

Think about your last break-up? I know you remember it. Was it absolutely miserable? Did you do the dumping? Did you get dumped? Was it your heart that got broken, or the other persons? Regardless of how your last break-up went, what I'm about to bring up right now applies. When you guys broke up, how long were you (or they) thinking about doing it before it actually got done? Think about this honestly. It is incredibly rare that anyone would just decide out of nowhere that they are going to break-up with someone else. It's usually an extended and laborious process of weighing the pros and cons of the relationship...even though the cons obviously already outweigh the pros, otherwise you wouldn't be weighing things in the first place...but I digress. My point is that when a couple breaks up, most of the time someone gets hurt and therefore sits there begging the other person not to go through with it, or to change their mind and take them back. But why do we beg? Why bother trying to convince them that they should stay with you? They've already made that decision. If you've been together for 1 1/2 years, then they have probably been thinking about breaking up with you for about 6 months or so before that. It's not like it was a decision that was made in haste. Even if they aren't going to miss you, they are probably going to still miss the comfort of the relationship (otherwise, there really is no reason left to be there), and that is what keeps them holding on.  So really, you should have been on a reconnaissance mission long before the actual break-up came along in order to have any chance of saving it, but of course, when the problems started, it wasn't like you were aware that anything was really wrong...that's something you don't figure out until after the fact - "Okay, yeah. Maybe things weren't the same anymore. Maybe we weren't really having sex much. Maybe he wasn't really very affectionate with me anymore."...You always figure it out later. That's the way she blows.

The funny thing is, it doesn't even matter that I've called us all out on this. We will all continue to do it, because when your heart gets broken, you would do anything to unbreak it...It literally is one of the worst feelings in the world. Right now, I am extremely happy in my relationship, but you will be the first to know if I slip into "take me back" land.

Sounding a little pessimistic?

 - Jenn

Ok, so...

I just thought that this video was worth checking out!  A couple friends of mine used it in a presentation during one of our classes and I think it is pretty thought provoking to say the least.

"When a relationship is going well, and I feel connected to someone, I'm most definitely a person who shows my comfort and admiration for my significant other through physical actions"

Ok, so...

First, my apologies for taking so long to write. I have been back from my trip for a few days now, but I had some things to deal with in my personal, unwritten about, life. Now that things are sorted out...I'm back!

Have you ever heard of love languages? And yes, I know what you are going to say. "Really, Jenn? Really? You are writing about THIS?" I would have to agree in saying that this isn't really my usual kind of natter...The whole idea is a little bit fruitier than I like to be, but at the same time, I think it has some real validity.

The 5 love languages ( as stated on the love languages website - no infringement intended) are:

• Words of Affirmation

  Actions don’t always speak louder than words. If this is your love language, unsolicited compliments mean the world to you. Hearing the words, “I love you,” are important—hearing the reasons behind that love sends your spirits skyward. Insults can leave you shattered and are not easily forgotten.

• Quality Time

  In the vernacular of Quality Time, nothing says, “I love you,” like full, undivided attention. Being there for this type of person is critical, but really being there—with the TV off, fork and knife down, and all chores and tasks on standby—makes your significant other feel truly special and loved. Distractions, postponed dates, or the failure to listen can be especially hurtful.

• Receiving Gifts

  Don’t mistake this love language for materialism; the receiver of gifts thrives on the love, thoughtfulness, and effort behind the gift. If you speak this language, the perfect gift or gesture shows that you are known, you are cared for, and you are prized above whatever was sacrificed to bring the gift to you. A missed birthday, anniversary, or a hasty, thoughtless gift would be disastrous—so would the absence of everyday gestures.

• Acts of Service

  Can vacuuming the floors really be an expression of love? Absolutely! Anything you do to ease the burden of responsibilities weighing on an “Acts of Service” person will speak volumes. The words he or she most want to hear: “Let me do that for you.” Laziness, broken commitments, and making more work for them tell speakers of this language their feelings don’t matter.

• Physical Touch

  This language isn’t all about the bedroom. A person whose primary language is Physical Touch is, not surprisingly, very touchy. Hugs, pats on the back, holding hands, and thoughtful touches on the arm, shoulder, or face—they can all be ways to show excitement, concern, care, and love. Physical presence and accessibility are crucial, while neglect or abuse can be unforgivable and destructive.
  
  

For fun, even though I was pretty sure that I already knew what my main love language was anyway, I took the quiz on the website to see what it was. The results actually ended up surprising me somewhat - I am evenly split between two categories - one that I expected and one that did not. The first, Physical Touch, was no surprise to me. While it may not show in my day to day general relationships with family and friends, I'm actually extremely affectionate with a boyfriend. When a relationship is going well, and I feel connected to someone, I'm most definitely a person who shows my comfort and admiration for my significant other through physical actions. I'm a cuddler - I admit it, and I'm sure that anyone who bothers to read my blog, even once in awhile, knows that I consider sex to be an extremely important factor in a relationship. It's also, by far, the hardest of these 5 to fake. It's easy enough to fall into a routine of buying gifts for birthdays, date nights, spring cleaning, and saying I love you because it's what you do every day...but sex, cuddling, and any reason to touch someone? All of those physical actions fall away when you don't feel the same way about a person anymore! It's the first sign that something is wrong! Sex is extremely important to the health and the well being of a relationship, and frankly, these things are the first thing to go when the connection between two people has lost it's spark. It can be caused by the loss of physical attraction, or an increase in arguments, comfort? Regardless, there is no denying the sex is one of the first things to go in a romance when things are on the rocks. So, because affectionate behaviour is frequently the first thing to go, it is something that is imperative to the success of a relationship for me.

Now, my second love language -  the one that was tied with Physical Touch - is Quality Time. I admit that I was somewhat surprised to see that come up. I'm not denying the importance of spending time together in any way, but I didn't realize that it was as important to me as Physical Touch...at first. Honestly, after reading the results, and then thinking about the relationship that I'm in right now? It makes complete and total sense. We are struggling with finding enough time to be together because of the distance between us, and I admit that it is something that really bums me out. Everything is going really well, but there is no denying that enough Quality Time with someone is crucial to the growth of a relationship. This has brought on the incorporation of Skype into our relationship to help with the distance...so I guess Quality Time really is important to me after all?

So folks? What is your love language? Take the quiz and post your results! Let me know why you think those things are most important to you, and feel free to post anonymously if this all feels too personal for you! I would love to see what all of your love languages are!!


In the mood for love,

 - Jenn

EDIT: Listen you bums, I know how many people have read this! I check my stats! Post a comment!! You don't even have to do the quiz? Just rank them in order from 1 to 5. Sheesh!