Ok, so...
First of all, my absolute apologies for taking over a week to post a new entry. That's absolutely abysmal of me, and I am truly sorry for that. I've actually been working on this particular entry all week! I just couldn't find time to finish it! However, I've got the time now (well not really, but the guilt is eroding at my conscience), so here it is:
Have you ever thought about how your friendships affect your relationships, and vice-versa? Sometimes, your friends are great - they are the absolute greatest support system you can possibly have! They love your significant other and they welcome he or she into almost every possible social situation they can, and you love them for that because, of course, you care very much about what they think. I'm very thankful for how supportive my friends have been. The one's in both my lives...school, and home...who do everything they can to be the most accommodating in every situation. I'm also extremely thankful that the person they are working so hard to show love for, is showing it back...because that has not always been the case for me. In fact, it was not all that long ago when I last had a nightmarish struggle with that.
I spent a significant amount of time in a relationship with a person who refused to give anyone in one half of my life a chance. The people at home? The best people in the world. The people at school? It was a virtual ^&*% you. Clearly, him doing nothing to get to know them did nothing for me because I spent 8 months of the year with those people...people who I loved, and continue to love very much. He said he had nothing in common with them, he couldn't connect because he had never been a university student (something that I never understood to be honest...I mean, I'm a university student?) and that became an increasingly hard burden for me to carry on my shoulders. It began to affect our relationship, and ultimately how I felt about him. My feelings for him deteriorated, and while he did eventually change, and we gave it another shot...I could never forget how big of a corner he backed me into, and my fear of that reoccurring never let me open back up to him. That relationship failed and I'll never be able to go back to it or anything like it ever again. And really, when I think about it, it seems so silly to be thankful for someone who loves your friends and works to build relationships with them because that should just be part of the deal...but for me, it wasn't, and I am now so appreciative of someone for whom this is just second nature.
Now, all of that being said...there are people that fit on the other end of the spectrum. Those people that do absolutely nothing to help the situation. The ones that you wish would *&^% off at every turn. Nothing, and I mean NOTHING they do, is of any help. At. All. Period. Enter "Relationship Poison." This is that friend that influences everything about your relationship in a way that is not even remotely helpful. Their comments make you doubt yourself. They nit-pick at any little concern you may have about your significant other. They point out anything that THEY feel is a weak point for you both as a couple. Everything they say is completely out of hand in every way possible, and completely inappropriate to boot. If you are lucky enough to have not experienced this, than kudos to you...because I have, and unfortunately enough, it tends to be something that you don't really catch on to until it's already had some kind of detrimental effect on your relationship, sometimes even beyond the point of repair.
But obviously, we all need friends to survive. There is no way around that - socialization is key to a happy, healthy life...which just opens up a whole new can of worms...What is more important? Friends, or your boyfriend (or girlfriend - you know the drill). I'll leave that open for debate!
Sincerely sorry for taking over a week off,
- Jenn
3 comments:
In my opinion, getting relationship advice/influence from friends is no different than soliciting say... kayaking advice from friends.
We all have a group of people we socialize with and turn to for advice, laughter, and good times. They are our friends for a reason.
But when it comes to speaking to your friends about your romantic life... I firmly believe you must be smart about who to truly, whole-heartedly listen to and to whom you simply nod and smile politely while their opinion on your relationship goes in one ear and out the other.
If I needed kayaking advice, I would select the friend best suited to give me an informed answer. Same goes when it comes to discussing my relationships.
There are certain friends whom I love and adore, but would never turn to in a relationship crisis. They simply don't have the experience or proper judgement skills to help me out in a constructive way.
It doesn't make them a bad friend. It just means that they don't figure into *that* realm of my life.
I guess what I am trying to say is, yes, there are friends who suck at being a "relationship supporter". It's unavoidable and unchangeable. They will always be like that and its not their job to change. It's *your* job to realize that you are friends with them for lots of reasons, but in that particular area... well, not so much.
So be thankful for the good that they bring to your world and stop letting them influence/give advice on an area of your life that they clearly aren't of any use.
Trust what they have to say about kayaks. Toss out their absurd, negative thoughts on your relationship.
I found this blog post to be of particular interest to myself after recent thoughts and discussion of how much certain people can affect your relationship.
After reading your post and then what Marie has had to say, it has become clear to me that with some friends, the line has to be drawn in order for one's relationships well-being and your own sanity! Last time I checked, your relationship is your own and not others business, so the need to nit-pick and bring down others relationships just doesn't seem fair to me.
On that note, I think it's time to focus on the relationship itself and the positive points there without bringing others into the situation - otherwise, I'm going to drive myself nuts!
It really is a lesson for everyone to take what their friends say with a grain of salt isn't it. In every group, there are those 1 or 2 people that are the advice gurus, are there not? And there is a reason they have become those people. For one reason, or another, they seem to make the most ideal choices...well, if not make them, they at least know how to suggest how others should.
It's also important to remember that just because someone else would conduct their life a certain way, it doesn't mean that you have too. We're all different - we al have different needs, and different expectations. Just because your friend would want something particular in a relationship, doesn't mean that you have to.
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