"That relationship blind sided me - at 18 years old, in my frosh year of university, I was not prepared to meet someone that could change me that much."

Ok, so...

You know that whole idea around the "one who got away?" That one guy or girl, where if things had played out differently, everything may have culminated together into the perfect love story? I can think of countless TV shows, movies, and even conversations with friends that have circulated around the topic of the one guy (or girl) that they completely missed out on. There are various takes on how this happens - maybe it was a good friend and you never got up the courage to try and take it to the next level, or maybe you made a stupid decision while in a relationship, the whole thing blew up your face, and then you wished you could take it back...but you couldn't. Obviously, there are multitudinous scenarios that I could suggest, because there is no mold for how this occurs. It just does. And once it does, there is no going back.

I used to think that this one friend of mine was the "one that got away." I had dated a friend of his - let's call him Fred - for a little while (actually through Fred was how we met) and I mentioned to this friend - let's call him Bill -  that I thought everything with Fred had really come to a standstill and I was going to end it with him before it got messy. Well, in this moment Bill suggested that maybe he and I try things out once I had sorted everything out with Fred. I shut him down, even though I really did like him quite a bit, in order to protect both of our friendship with Fred. In the end that didn't even really pay off, and I always regretted not taking that chance with Bill. He moved away a little while later, and when he finally came back, he met a girl...they've been together quite a while now. They make a lovely couple. I always though to myself, what if...what if I had taken the chance on him? Was he my "one that got away?" I always thought so...but I was wrong.

Lately, for some reason or another, I've been thinking about a particular ex-boyfriend quite a lot. Anyone who knows me, even a little bit, would have come to know something about him. He was my first love -  a very powerful, and intense experience for me resulting in a breakup where I was completely inconsolable. It's been almost 4 and a half years since we broke up, and maybe 2 or more since I've seen him, but somehow he's crept back up into my mind. That relationship blind sided me - at 18 years old, in my frosh year of university, I was not prepared to meet someone that could change me that much. I wasn't ready for it - I didn't know how to handle feelings like that, and I wasn't good with them...something that must have made me very difficult for him to deal with at points. Since then, I've changed dramatically...for the better I think...and while some would say that he was a big part of why I have and that's why it happened then, I'd disagree. I think that getting older, finding out more about myself, coming to terms with a lot of earlier events in my life,  and having made some pretty hefty mistakes along the way have shaped me into who I am now...and that's a really different person. Therefore, I've come to wonder if things would have played out differently if I had met him now, instead of then. Ironically, I think he has become my "one that got away," though I never would have anticipated that being the case. I loved him very much, and I'm sure that if I'd met him now instead of then, the result would be the exact same. I would still have come to love him very much - just in a better, more constructive way.

From what I can tell, he is doing quite well (haha, rhyme much?). He's off doing things that I can only dream I may get to do some day, and I wish him very well...something I wasn't always able to do.

This entry is incredibly ironic for me, but at the same time, soothing. It's hard to believe, that after all this time, he may just be the "one that got away."

Calming the soul,

 - Jenn