"There is nothing harder than trying to forget someone and move past them when they are constantly a presence in your life."

Ok, so...

The effort involved in getting over someone is catastrophic. When you have serious feelings for another person, and they suddenly decide that they no longer return them...wait, that isn't really something you decide is it? Perhaps it would be more correct to say "when they have come to the point" where they no longer return them, it is painful and emotionally draining to go through all the steps that bring you to a point where you can finally push that person out of your mind, and inevitably, out of your heart. Fortunately for me, this is NOT something I am currently dealing with, but that doesn't mean it is something I don't know anything about - I had a nightmarish struggle with it at the end of a past relationship, and I am inspired to write about it because there are currently a few people in my life at various stages of the fight through this tedious, and really, quite arduous process.

Something I have come to realize through my own experiences, and those of my friends as well, is that there is really something to the idea of "out of sight, out of mind." There is nothing harder than trying to forget someone and move past them when they are constantly a presence in your life. Yet, masochistically enough,if that person will let us, we surround ourselves with them incessantly, convinced that we are alright with being "just friends" - that this is enough to fill the void that has been left behind by their choice to end the relationship. Now, if there is one thing that I can tell you, very clearly, without an inkling of doubt in my mind, it is that this never, ever works. Ever. I've watched myself suffer through trying to be friends with an ex. I've watched my friends suffer through trying to being friends with an ex, and I can tell you that nothing good has ever come of it. At first, while you are still wishing that he or she would take you back, any little thing they do to be nice, to help you out (because yes...they do still care about your feelings and happiness) gets interpreted as something else entirely. A glimmer of hope that they are having regrets. The idea that underneath it all, they still love you. Unfortunately, their kind gestures never mean anything like that, no matter how hard you convince yourself. These naive elucidations just cause more pain, and prolong recovery.

Even worse, however, is the notion of "ex sex." Oh yes, the mythological idea that you can sleep with someone you used to date without anyone getting hurt. Wrong. Incorrect. Erroneous. Inaccurate. Faulty. And all the other words in the English language that mean NO. It never, ever, ever, works. Heck, you or I would be hard pressed to even find an example of successful *&^% buddies, let alone an example of ex's that do it, no strings attached. I promise you, if you think *&^% buddies is hard to pull off, successful "ex sex" is even harder. The ending result for the dumped usually results in an image close to something like this - a regression back into the sniveling, demoralizing, cringeworthy state they were in post break-up. Consider this #8 on my list of salient pieces of advice: "Out of sight, out of mind" is where it is at. Cozy friendships and "ex sex" will never make up for what you wish you still had, and will prolong you finding out what is still to be had with someone else. It pays to cut off all contact, even though that isn't always that easy to do. "Out of sight, out of mind" is a proven tactic in moving on.

Ugh, it's exhausting just thinking about a painful break-up. My thoughts are with those of you who are suffering through one currently.

Covered in snow,

- Jenn