Friday, January 28, 2011

" It's all about finding that proportionate balance where both parties are comfortable in the arrangement and are getting something that suffices both of their needs without being too much, or not enough. "

Ok, so...

"Ladies and the bat-shit crazies."

I've coined this term in an effort to label something that I like to think that all of us fine female fatales succumb to at one point or another in our attempts to get something "new" off the ground. You know, when you whine about all your little insecurities to your girlfriends instead of the guy you're seeing? That way he doesn't know how bat shit crazy you are...only they do (if you don't do this, you need too. It's your saving grace).  I honestly can't think of one friend of mine who hasn't been a "lady with the bat-shit crazies" at one point or another. That is not to say that some of them do not handle it much more eloquently than others. They do, and most of them will continue to do so much more successfully than I. When a relationship is new, and you don't know everything there is to know about the other person or how they operate when they are exclusive with someone, it is hard not to take an extreme approach to something when it isn't going exactly how you thought it would.

Actually, this is an area where most men and women differ significantly. Most women come into a new relationship with the expectation of communicating often, maybe even a little too much, while their wonderful, new significant other falls short in this category (at least in comparison to expectations). It's all about finding that proportionate balance where both parties are comfortable in the arrangement and are getting something that suffices both of their needs without being too much, or not enough. Communication is the common denominator in almost any challenge in any relationship. Most problems, no matter how insignificant, stem from this. In fact, I would challenge you to come up with a problem that you have ever had in any of your relationships that was not, some how, linked to poor communication. I guarantee you that it will be pretty hard to do.

Either way, this is salient piece of advice #9: Communication is key. Friendships and relationships alike will blow up in your face if you don't take time out to say how you're feeling, or even more importantly, ask how the other person is feeling.


Because it needed to be said,

 - Jenn

Sunday, January 23, 2011

"People are too quick to jump back into their skivvies after a role in the hay."

Ok, so...

A few evenings ago, while updating a friend on what has been going on most recently in my life, we of course (do I talk about anything else?) got onto the topic of relationships. While we were discussing labels for our current romantic status' and the many other things that we somehow seem to consistently deem as points of interest, I heard myself utter something where I specifically thought "I have to come back to that in my blog."


This statement was:

"I think it is important to spend a good deal of time naked. It's good for a relationship."


Friggin' rights I do. Now, get your heads up and out of the gutter! I know what you're thinking - "Uh, yeah! Who doesn't like sex?" - and yes folks, it's pretty damn awesome! That is definitely THE relationship perk that forms the main reason for why people get naked together, but there is so much more to it than that. It helps strengthen the intimate and emotional bond that you share with your significant other - it reinforces the comfort and trust you have in the other person. People are too quick to jump back into their skivvies after a role in the hay. Laze for awhile, talk about...well, politics? The weather? God forbid, maybe even your relationship. There is something far less threatening about discussing the down and dirty details of your affinity for each other when you're stark naked, stuffed in between fluffy pillows and a billowy duvet as opposed to sitting across from each other at the kitchen table with your shirt buttoned up to your neck (you rebel, you). It's easier to be honest in a setting that you link to fun and good times (wink, wink). At least, I friggin' hope that is what you link it too, or else, maybe whether or not you spend ENOUGH time naked is the least of your problems.

I suggest the addition of "Naked Sundays" to your weekly schedule. Spend more time in bed, naked. Take the opportunity to talk more, watch TV more, read more, do "it" more. Whatever. Who cares. Just do more...naked!

Writing as a "naked" missionary,

- Jenn

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

"Things start to go well, and I'm nervous because I feel like I'm perched on the edge a fence, just waiting for a sharp wind to blow me off of it!"

Ok, so...

I feel a bit like I'm in the "calm before the storm." You know, where everything just seems too good to be true? If my life were to be portrayed in a watercolour landscape right now,  you would see a beguiling and exquisite potpourri of blues, golds, purples and yellows (no pink...it just doesn't work with my skintone). But then, if you looked way up in either of the top corners of the painting, perhaps as far as even under the edge of the frame, you would see a toxic sludge of black and grey seeping in.  You see, nothing is going badly, in fact, things are going pretty darn well. However, if there is one thing I have learned about myself as of late, it is that things never seem to stay on that path for too long. If they did, I would never have the scads of stuff to write about that have filled your computer screens with entertaining prattle and formed the very foundation of this blog. That's a little sad isn't it? Things start to go well, and I'm nervous because I feel like I'm perched on the edge a fence, just waiting for a sharp wind to blow me off of it! Perhaps the realist in me has developed a bit too much of a mind of it's own?

I've never been the hopeless romantic, or the "glass is half-full" kind of gal. That being said, I'm not a "glass is half-empty" kind of gal either. I take things in stride and try to see them for what they are. If something is going to take work, it's going to take work. If something is going to be difficult to achieve, it's going to be difficult to achieve. And, if something goes wrong, there is no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't reverse what has happened, so I might as well wipe up the mess the best I can and try not to stress over what was wasted. That is not always an easy approach to take, but I'm afraid that if I didn't look at things that way I'd end up with stomach ulcers because of how much I would agonize over details. I'd let things get to me, so I try really hard to move on.

But honestly, at the same time, this approach (good, or bad) is what puts me in the "calm before the storm" mindframe. That absolute assurance that something is bound to happen.

 Stay tuned folks, a storm is a brewin'  and it's coming your way.

Basking in the sun (for now),

 - Jenn

Monday, January 17, 2011

"C'mon. get your shit together. It's not that hard to decide on a bloody due date."

Ok, so...

I've come to notice something about myself recently that I don't really like. I fixate on things. And I mean, really fixate. I don't like not being "in the know." Once I know where something is going, it is easy for me to sit back, relax, and enjoy the ride, but until that point...I drive myself crazy trying to figure things out. I will come up with every single reason I can think of for why someone has or hasn't done anything to help ease my own sanity. A simple answer to a question that really had no intended depth to it at all when it was spoken (or texted? I feel that is a legitimate form to mention these days), has tons when it is said to me. I always manage to contrive some whole underlying "real" meaning when there truly was nothing there at all - I really need a good smack in the side of the head sometimes!!!

The last little spiel there was clearly related to relationships (when is something I write about not?), but this whole not being "in the know" thing has come into my life academically as well. For example, my professor for the class I had earlier this afternoon (our very first session none the less) is a very fly-by-the-seat-of-her-pants kind of gal. Not very organized, with a course outline that gives the bare minimum of information about expectations and assignments, even going as far as to exclude due dates for the most part. I find that annoying. In fact, I find that extremely annoying. I don't like when things aren't laid out. How the hell can you be expected to be successful when you can't organize yourself for the term because your courses aren't organized to reflect that? Seems a little counter-intuitive if you ask me? And that only becomes more complicated when it is layered in with courses that have very high expectations and a lot of requirements for you to meet. It's like the bitch-lazy courses are just asking to be forgotten underneath the slew of work you have for the perfect, chronologically stated, mammoth-sized courses that are competing with them. C'mon. get your shit together. It's not that hard to decide on a bloody due date. Sheesh.

Because maybe you want something other than relationship dribble,

- Jenn

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

"There is nothing harder than trying to forget someone and move past them when they are constantly a presence in your life."

Ok, so...

The effort involved in getting over someone is catastrophic. When you have serious feelings for another person, and they suddenly decide that they no longer return them...wait, that isn't really something you decide is it? Perhaps it would be more correct to say "when they have come to the point" where they no longer return them, it is painful and emotionally draining to go through all the steps that bring you to a point where you can finally push that person out of your mind, and inevitably, out of your heart. Fortunately for me, this is NOT something I am currently dealing with, but that doesn't mean it is something I don't know anything about - I had a nightmarish struggle with it at the end of a past relationship, and I am inspired to write about it because there are currently a few people in my life at various stages of the fight through this tedious, and really, quite arduous process.

Something I have come to realize through my own experiences, and those of my friends as well, is that there is really something to the idea of "out of sight, out of mind." There is nothing harder than trying to forget someone and move past them when they are constantly a presence in your life. Yet, masochistically enough,if that person will let us, we surround ourselves with them incessantly, convinced that we are alright with being "just friends" - that this is enough to fill the void that has been left behind by their choice to end the relationship. Now, if there is one thing that I can tell you, very clearly, without an inkling of doubt in my mind, it is that this never, ever works. Ever. I've watched myself suffer through trying to be friends with an ex. I've watched my friends suffer through trying to being friends with an ex, and I can tell you that nothing good has ever come of it. At first, while you are still wishing that he or she would take you back, any little thing they do to be nice, to help you out (because yes...they do still care about your feelings and happiness) gets interpreted as something else entirely. A glimmer of hope that they are having regrets. The idea that underneath it all, they still love you. Unfortunately, their kind gestures never mean anything like that, no matter how hard you convince yourself. These naive elucidations just cause more pain, and prolong recovery.

Even worse, however, is the notion of "ex sex." Oh yes, the mythological idea that you can sleep with someone you used to date without anyone getting hurt. Wrong. Incorrect. Erroneous. Inaccurate. Faulty. And all the other words in the English language that mean NO. It never, ever, ever, works. Heck, you or I would be hard pressed to even find an example of successful *&^% buddies, let alone an example of ex's that do it, no strings attached. I promise you, if you think *&^% buddies is hard to pull off, successful "ex sex" is even harder. The ending result for the dumped usually results in an image close to something like this - a regression back into the sniveling, demoralizing, cringeworthy state they were in post break-up. Consider this #8 on my list of salient pieces of advice: "Out of sight, out of mind" is where it is at. Cozy friendships and "ex sex" will never make up for what you wish you still had, and will prolong you finding out what is still to be had with someone else. It pays to cut off all contact, even though that isn't always that easy to do. "Out of sight, out of mind" is a proven tactic in moving on.

Ugh, it's exhausting just thinking about a painful break-up. My thoughts are with those of you who are suffering through one currently.

Covered in snow,

- Jenn

Friday, January 07, 2011

"I really do believe long-distance can work when you are with the right person - essentially someone who requires the same amount of attention in a relationship as you do."

Ok, so...

I don't know if any of you, my lovely readers (who I completely appreciate, as the number grows everyday) have experienced this, but I think I'm experiencing it right now: The prospect plagued by challenges. New Year's Eve guy, from my last entry, is awesome. Perhaps even the most awesome guy I've gotten to know in awhile. He is funny, sweet, adorable, sexy...so far, the whole package. There is only one problem. We are going to be plagued by long-distance right from the get go. I spend most of my time away, and a little of it at home. He does the same. Home is close for both of us, away is not. There is going to be some travelling involved if we want to make "this" happen. We're talking about 2 hours. It could most definitely be worse. I'm counting my blessings that it isn't.

Now, I'm someone who has had quite a bit of experience with long-distance - obviously it has never really worked out or I wouldn't be single now. However, despite all that, I'm not jaded in the least. I really do believe long-distance can work when you are with the right person - essentially someone who requires the same amount of attention in a relationship as you do. If one person is clingy and the other is independent, it never works because the clinger will be smothering the free bird in an effort to spend as much time with them as possible, whenever it's possible. Conversely, some people are also far more willing to live with a situation as it is for the moment, resolving to just let nature take it's course. I like to think, that for the most part, I am one of those people. There are many who can't accept something for what it is, and therefore spend obscene amounts of time fixating on what will be the most challenging parts as opposed to what will be the most worthwhile parts of something. In my effort to be the "willing-to-live-in-the-situation-as-it-is-for-the-moment,-resolving-to-let-nature-take-it's-course" kind, I hope NYE guy is this type too.

Scratching the surface,

- Jenn

Saturday, January 01, 2011

"Why does it look desperate if you talk to someone soon after meeting them? Doesn't that just show that you're interested, enjoyed their company, and would like to enjoy it again?"

Ok, so...

New Year's Eve was quite an enjoyable occasion this year. This is not to say that I haven't had any that weren't at least somewhat fun in the past, but (and a lot of people say this) it always seems like New Year's Eve gets blown up to be this huge deal, and then when it doesn't quite work out as planned, people are disappointed. Truthfully, I didn't know what to expect this year - I went to a party with a few friends where there would be a few people we did know, and a whole lot that we didn't. The person who was having the party (whom I completely love) was holding it at the rather impressive house that he and his boyfriend share. This place has it's own dance floor, DJ booth, and several pinball machines. The place is awesome! This party was a totally great concept, except for the fact (as you can imagine) that most of the guests were gay men. Now, I love me some gay men - they make the greatest kind of friends - but that doesn't do a lot for the single gal. Therefore,  I had come to accept that it this would not be a night for meeting someone new...at least, that's what I thought.

Interestingly enough, in a situation where the pickings of straight men were indeed very slim, I actually did meet someone. A work friend of one of my very good friends. He's very sweet, and while he is also painfully shy, it sort of works in his favour - he's almost cuter because of it, ironically enough. I GAVE him MY number because I didn't think there was anyway he would get up the courage to ask, and I've waited since to see if I hear anything. My friend talked to him today and worked to set up some plans for tomorrow night and asked if he was going to text me, to which he replied "definitely." So, as I anxiously sit and wait to hear from him (and wonder if I will at all), I can't help but wonder...where did that rule that says you can't contact someone too soon because it looks desperate come from? Why does it look desperate if you talk to someone soon after meeting them? Doesn't that just show that you're interested, enjoyed their company, and would like to enjoy it again? I don't understand why people wait three days before they nonchalantly contact someone, all the while allowing the other person to wonder if you like them at all? It's agonizing! And honestly, if someone gives you their number, they must be interested! They are clearly hoping to hear from you! Otherwise, they wouldn't have given you an in? It would be so much easier if people were just willing to speak what was on their mind - "I like you" or "I don't like you" or whatever. Why do we all feel the need to play such meticulously thought out games while trying to get involved with someone new, when all we really want to say is I like you, and I hope you like me too?

Welcome to 2011,

 - Jenn